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stories & essays


laura woodard
Laura Woodard is a Virginia college student who writes in merciless spontaneous openess.


GREAT LIFE ... huh?

god, i just wanna shoot myself. i mean not really shoot myself, just take shots. i never think about drinking alone. i think my self-confidence or lack of is sometimes shown when i talk about my life, but then again, what is my life? i fucking hate myself sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much now.. god damnit, im such a fucking idiot, i did such a stupid stupid thing, why the hell did i get myself into this mess, all over again, why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? im sitting as i cry my eyes out, and u have no idea what its about, but maybe u have some clue, u know how badly some guys treat me, how much i can stand, how much ive not been w/ any real man, but just some wannabe thing calling itself one, but no, no no no, i dont want this, i dont want shit, i am not shit, i dont want more than a picture in two yrs, why the fuck????????????????? do i care???????????? i dont care about him anymore, i dont, i really dont, i am so damn confused. why the hell did u have to say that, now i feel so damn used, i have no idea how much it hurts in words, i skirt so many issues, i forgot so many, so many reasons why i didnt wanna be w/ him, or that other him, well both of them, hell, i think all of them, fuck all of em, almost everyone.. i wanna see him so much, i wanna see him so damn much, it hurts inside so much, and i cant now. i called him but no answer, i called him again and i know hes gotta be there by now. just reach your quiet home now. help me like u used to, u used to put me to sleep as id weep, u could do that in just a few minutes, but theres nowhere to keep the messages played in my head, cept for there, show me u care, show me u give a fuck, show me yourself, show urself to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dont be so afraid, i really wanna see u period amen god if u are here, ud say amen huh? do u even talk to me? i dont think so. i havent heard much from god lately. and i havent heard anything from him either. maybe if i listened, id hear something. maybe if i stoppedstopped crying, stopped dying slowly inch by inch, my bodys growing smaller and smaller, losing all the serotonin day by day. i cant take this, here i cant stay, dont put on this act like in a play, dont tell me its all my fault, don't tell me dont talk to me, fuck , fuck u. i dont want prozac or zoloft again. please no. i just want to know whats going on. im not a ho. i dont wanna be taken advantage of. and dont tell me where i need to go, no, now to see a doctor, its nothing he can fix, and damnit, its nothing that other he can either, god couldnt even do anything about this if hes anywhere. i should stop crying, its getting me nowhere. nowhere to anywhere i wanna be, why does this keep on happening? i set myself up. u let go and i want more, and i cant see where im going anymore.

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